It's All Coming Back to Me
by misty23y
Summary: Stephanie is waiting for her wedding ceremony to begin, reflecting on her love life. Tissue-warning, high angst. Inspired by Celine Dion's "It's All Coming Back to Me Now."


**It's All Coming Back**

Today is supposed to be the happiest day of my life. Today is the day that everyone thinks I'm getting my happily ever after. Today is the day that I should be looking to my future, but instead, I'm miserable. I don't know if I could ever be happy. When I'm with him, when he's standing next to me, I can forget the hole in my heart, the emptiness, the absolute loneliness I feel when it's quiet, and I'm left with my thoughts. I always thought I'd get my 'someday,' but someday wasn't meant for me.

_**Flashback**_

_Ranger was in Miami for the last six months. Julie was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia, one that wasn't caught early enough. I had broken my ankle two weeks prior while chasing a skip. My foot went into a hole. Ranger had wanted me to accompany him, but with my crutches, I was more of a hassle than a help. Besides, Rachel didn't like the idea of Ranger bringing his piece of ass with him, as she so eloquently said when Ranger suggested that I'd go with him. Julie lost her battle, even though Ranger got the best doctors money could buy for his daughter. Once everything was settled, he returned to Trenton. He was here two days before he made a nighttime visit. I was sleeping when I felt his presence in my room. I opened my eyes, watching him watch me sleep. I invited him to my bed. He took off his boots, socks, cargoes, and t-shirt, leaving only his silk boxers on. Once he settled under the cover, I kissed him, wanting to feel his arms around me. I wanted to Ranger inside me, consuming me. We made passionate love that night. In our actions, we expressed the depth of our love for each other. However, when the new day dawned, my tranquility and happiness would be shattered. _

_I woke up with sunlight streaming in my room. Ranger was tieing his boots. "Carlos, come back to bed. Where are you going?"_

"_Babe, I going in the wind. I can't stay any longer. I'm sorry."_

"_What do you mean? How long will you be gone?"_

"_Shit, I knew this wasn't a good idea. Steph, I can't tell you where I'm going, and I have no idea how long I'll be gone. I need to go, Tank is waiting."_

_I was livid. Ranger just completely ruined for all other men, and once again, he was walking away. I sat up in bed, unaware that I was naked, and my breasts were on display._

"_Carlos, I love you. All of you. I will wait for you. I need you. I don't care if you're gone two years, I'll wait for you to return. You are the love of my life. Please tell me to wait."_

"_Babe, I love you, but I can't give you all of me. I can't give you anything beyond the physical. I'm sorry, but I'm late. Goodbye, Stephanie."_

_With that, the door slammed, and my heart shattered._

So now, I'm sitting alone in my bridal suite, haunted by memories that run through my head. The wind is blowing on this chilly January Saturday. My body feels frozen as I listen to the sound outside my window. The bright sunlight was mocking my mood, as I couldn't even let my tears fall, because they were all dried up. When the door closed, I cried for what seemed like days. Once my crying jag was over, though, I made it my mission to forget about Ranger. I was mostly successful, except for when it was quiet.

In the silence of my mind, I can feel Ranger touching my body so softly with his calloused finger, igniting a fire all over my body. I feel his arms encircling me, his unique scent of Bulgari engulfing me. Suddenly, all the feelings and memories come back to me. I picture myself running my hands down his perfect eight pack, holding him as I lay on top of him. It's hard to believe that those actions are only in my mind, coming back in perfect clarity.

Our nights together were idyllic, perfect, really. Those were moment of gold flashed with light. I let my guard down, doing things that I'd never do again with any other man because they only seemed right with Ranger, my man, my love, my heart. Those were nights of endless pleasure, more than I ever thought was possible. I am ruined, truly and utterly ruined.

Then I remember kissing you until we were breathless. You are whispering in Spanish in my ear, sweet nothings that I never understood. It is lost to my reality, but it all comes back to me. I wish you wanted me like I want you; that you need me like I need you. You are my oxygen, my survival. When I'm awake and busy, I barely remember those moments, but it's coming back to me now.

Whenever I attempted to give you my heart, you tore it out. You filled me with empty threats of being in my bed, of taking claim of me, only to hurt me even more. And I know I hurt you when I kept running back to Joe. But then there were those times when we were together when I was in your home when you were keeping me safe. When I ran to you for my safety, for my protection, for my sanity. Those times when we tried to act on what we wanted but fell short, lost chances of forever.

But when you slammed that door, I thought you were gone forever. I thought I could banish you from my heart, but alas, I couldn't. I made myself strong, I somehow managed to survive without you. Granted, I quit bounty hunting. I couldn't do the hunt and not have you there to support me. I asked Lester and Tank for help a few times, and I even tried working for Rangeman, but the memories were too strong. Then, I met him. I met the man I'm about to marry. John Pugliese is a good man, an insurance agent who finally got me decent coverage. We met when I walked into his office to attempt to get insurance for my new car, a two-year-old Rav-4. For a while, the memories of you were gone. Then, one night, there was a knock on my door at three in the morning. John had spent the night, and we only just fell asleep. I remember stumbling out of bed, checking to see who was at my door, secretly hoping it was you, but in my heart, knowing it wasn't. My mother always told me no good news gets delivered in the middle of the night, and she was right.

_**Flashback**_

"_Steph, Sweetie, who's knocking on your door at this time?"_

"_I'm not sure, John. I'll go check." I got out of bed and started walking to the living room._

"_Sweetie, you need to put something on." I felt my face flush as I realized I was only in a black t-shirt, Ranger's t-shirt. I grab panties and a pair of sleep shorts, quickly putting them on. I make my way to the door, checking the peephole. I see Rangeman black, and my heart skips a beat, until the wearer turns around, showing me that it's Lester and Bobby, not Ranger. I open the door._

"_Lester, is everything okay? Why are you here in the middle of the night?"_

"_Steph, who is it?"_

"_It's Lester and Bobby." John knows about my Merry Men, we actually managed to stay friends even though I no longer chase skips. John emerges from my room, with his pants on._

"_Beautiful, I'm sorry to interrupt, but we wanted you to hear it from us first. I think you should sit down." Lester said, his voice wavering._

"_What's wrong with Ranger? He's okay, right?"_

"_No, Bomber, he's not. He's gone, Steph. We're not quite sure when, where, or how. All we know is that he's gone. There's no body to bury."_

"_If there's no body, how do we know that he's truly gone?"_

"_We have his dog tags and his uniform shirt."_

_I'm not sure what else was said, because all I could think about were our nights of endless pleasure, nights full of promises of tomorrow, of our someday. I remember the way Ranger touched me, the way he held me. But it was gone with wind. I think of our first meeting when I met ghetto Ranger, then corporate Ranger, bad-ass Ranger, and my personal favorite, naked Ranger. I see the way Ranger's eyes turned dark as ebony when he took in my body before he took possession of me. The flesh and the fantasies all come back to me, though I can barely recall the details._

_The next thing I remember is waking up three days later, the day of his memorial service. John understood that Ranger was a close friend, an important person in my life, and an occasional lover. I fully disclosed my "relationship" with Ranger from the get-go. I didn't want to sabotage us before we even started. While in that church in Newark, I decided to forgive Ranger for the way he left me, for the way he broke my heart. I only how he forgives me for treating him like a yo-yo. I try not to cry, but the memories are all coming back to me as I listen to Tank eulogize Ranger._

There's a knock on the door. "Pumpkin, are you ready?"

My dad opens the door, tentatively. He sees that I've been crying again.

"Are you sure this is what you want? Are you sure you want to marry John?"

"Daddy, John is a good man. He understands me. He loves me. I like him a lot. I don't know if I'll ever be able to love him, because my heart already belongs to Ranger, but he's not here."

"Why were you crying?"

"The memories keep coming back to me."

"Don't let your memories destroy your future. Your past is in the past. It's time to move forward."

"I know, I just hope that wherever Ranger is, he had forgiven me for being such a jerk, for running back to Morelli, for not fighting for who I wanted before it was too late."

"Stephanie, it's been ten months since his death. You need to let go of your guilt."

"I know. And I will."

"Are you ready?"

I take a deep breath. Am I ready? I look in the mirror and decide I'm as ready as I'll ever be. "Yes, daddy, I'm ready."

My father takes my arm and starts to walk me towards the church doors. The door opens, and I begin to walk down the aisle, with a fake smile plastered to my face. I scan the crowd, suddenly stopping. I see Ranger. He's seeing me dressed in a wedding gown, being escorted down the aisle to another man. I see him looking at me like I'm his salvation, and he's coming back to me. I see the flesh and fantasies, all coming back to me. He steps into the aisle in front of me, looking thinner and older than I have ever seen him.

"Babe," Ranger says before leaning down, letting his mouth met mine. I get lost in his kiss as I wrap my arms around his neck, touching the body of the man I've dreamt about. Suddenly, the reasons why I love this man are all coming back to me now. I see John looking at me, and know I owe my fiancé an explanation, but how do you tell someone they never had your heart?

"Steph, sweetie, who's this?" John says, looking at Ranger.

"Ranger."

"I thought you were dead. That's what your men told us."

"And up until two weeks ago, I was, for all intents and purposes. I was held, prisoner. I was accidentally discovered, saved. I was in a hospital overseas for two months. I had no ID and amnesia. I didn't know who I was. It was by happenstance that Hal was in the same hospital as me. He recognized me. He helped to jog my memories. I started to remember flashes of my childhood, the teen years, and early Army years. But when Hal showed me a picture of you, Babe, all my memories came flooding back.

"Stephanie, Babe, are you happy? Do you want to get married today? If you are happy, I'll leave, I'll let you live your life. I just needed to see you one last time."

"I was as happy as I ever was going to be without you in my life, but now, I know what true happiness is. Please don't leave, Ranger." I tell Ranger before turning to John.

"John, honey, I'm so sorry. I never meant to lead you on, but I love you, just not as much as I should. I am in love with Ranger."

"It's fine, Steph. I knew I never held your whole heart. I was content to have a part of your heart. Good luck, Stephanie Plum."

By now, my mom had her "why me" rant down to a science. "Are you ready for 'someday' Babe?"

"As ready as I'll ever be."

Ranger took my hand, leading me out the church doors to a black SUV. There's a duffle back for you in the trunk. Where do you want to go?"

"How about Miami?"

"Les, take us to Newark. We're going to Miami."

XXXX

"Grandma, wake up. Grandpa John is going to take us to get donuts. Come with us."

Today is August 12th. Today would have been Ranger's seventy-fifth birthday. I married John forty-five years ago next January. We had a good marriage, with three kids of our own. Our oldest son, John Jr., daughter Michelle, and our youngest, Carlo. Shortly after our wedding, we moved to Long Island, New York, to get away from the memories of the Burg. I rarely thought of Ranger anymore. But there were some days when he was all I could think about. Today is one of those days.

"Joanna, go with Grandpa and bring me back a Boston Crème. I'll wait home."

"Okay."

I hear the car doors slam, then the car easing out of the driving. I can get lost in my memories now. I close my eyes, then I see the love of my life.

"_Babe, it's time. I know you don't want to leave, but I can't wait any longer. Your husband is in good hands. It's time to fly."_

"_I can only fly if I'm with you."_

"_You will be, for all eternity."_

"_But I'm old, wrinkly, and gray."_

"_Not where you're going. There, you are young and beautiful, just the way I remember you, though you are still beautiful just the way you are. You don't need to fight any longer. Your body is tired, let it rest."_

"_But my Joanna, I don't want her to see me."_

"_Don't worry, I'll take care of her. Come to me, Stephanie, please. I need you."_

_I feel myself stand, but I'm much lighter than I ever was. I realized that I left my body behind. I reach Ranger, and we kiss, and it's all coming back to me now. The love, the joy, and the bliss. Now, I know what living really is._

**John's POV**

"Hi, Joanna. Hi John. How are you?"

"We're good. Just made our donut run."

"How's Steph?" Samantha asks. Samantha moved next door to us forty years ago and became fast friends with Steph.

"Not good. I'm afraid that any day now, she'll be leaving us. Cancer has just eaten away at her. She's weaker every hour."

"Give her my love. Hey, Joanna, I have some cookies I made last night. Do you want to come and get some?"

"Can I, Grandpa? Can I go with Aunt Sam?"

"Of course." I watch as Joanna and Sam enter her house. I open the door, and I know she's gone. I walk to the bedroom, seeing my wife at peace. I know that I've seen the last of Stephanie, because I know I am not the one she will spend eternity with. I was hers only in the flesh. Ranger belonged to her soul. I see his picture in her hand, the well-worn picture with his final letter. She begged me not to read it until she had taken her last breath. I knew it was special to her, so I followed her wishes. I always knew he had her heart. I take the letter, delicate with age and handling, and began to read his words.

_My Darling Babe,_

_I can't leave without setting some things straight. I don't blame you for hating me. I hate myself. You told me that you loved me, that you'd wait for me, but I know I can't ask you to. I know that because I know I will never return from this mission. I'm going in solo. My contract is up. I made the mistake of letting the brass know that I wasn't resigning. Now, I'm expendable._

_I guess it's for the best, Babe, as I could never give you the stability you need. I do love you more than anything in the world. You are my world, you are my heart, you are my soul, you are my salvation. If I manage to survive this mission, it will only be because of you. I am praying that I return to you, so we can have our someday, but I don't think that's possible._

_Please, Babe, promise me that you'll move on. You deserve a husband and a family if you so desire. I love you, and I want you happy. Since you are reading this, I know that I'm dead. There is a ring for you in my safe. I bought it two weeks after Scrog. I planned on giving it to you when my contract was over. I want you to have it. I don't care if you sell it, keep it, wear it, or not. Just know, it's for you. Please take everything I left you because you earned everything. Please keep on flying._

_I am looking at your picture, trying to memorize the subtle color changes in your curly, brown hair. I am drinking in your beautiful cerulean eyes. I hope that when my time is up, your image is that last I see in my mind's eye. _

_Babe, I promise to wait for you in eternity. Take as long as you want. I'll come and get you when it's your turn. I love you, querida. _

_Love always,_

_Ranger_

I see a note on her nightstand. I reach for it, seeing that it was penned recently.

_My Dearest John,_

_Thank you for being the perfect husband for me. You allowed me to be me, never expecting me to change. You gave me three fabulous children, and we have grandchildren. I have grown to love you more than I thought I would. I hope you forgive me for leaving you, but our time is nearly over._

_Watch over our family. I know they will have a hard time dealing with my death. But, rest assured, I'm not alone. I wish I could spend eternity with you, but my Ranger is calling me home, and I can't keep him waiting any longer. Thank you for understanding and accepting the fact that you shared my heart with a ghost. I'm sorry I couldn't give you my heart, my soul. But never doubt that I love you, John._

_Love always and forever,_

_Your loving wife, Stephanie_


End file.
